So, great to see your numbers and thoughtful analysis alongside it!
I crunched all my 2024 numbers last week (I called the doc 'Sex and Dating Wrapped' as I included plenty of data points about the sex I'd been having, too!) and went on a similar number of dates.
I rounded the document with a summary that is bittersweet:
"I’ve had consistently very, very satisfying sex. Definitely had the most orgasms during partnered sex this year! However, the few times I’d had not good sex, I’ve really ruminated about it and it’s kinda ruined the following day for me [...].
But in terms of feeling confident about having the skills to attract and maintain a secure, healthy and emotionally fulfulling relationship with a partner to have kids with, I still feel no closer to this than when I first started dating at 18. Sigh."
as someone who also monitors her stats (obvs): I totally get the issue of going out with a lot of guys I'm actually not that into; I've been on dates where I'd compare the anticipation to a doctor's visit...
for myself I find it's a bit that pervasive story you hear on social media (and from your coupled-up friends) that "the spark isn't real" and "you should give people a chance, they might surprise you". I get that the latter is obvs true and that chasing the spark is an issue for some people, but as someone with a relatively healthy attachment style, I just haven't found that helpful at all. I know it if I really like someone/am attracted to them and there's no way around needing that for a relationship. and if there is truly no interest whatsoever from the beginning, there's no point - you know what you know
So how do you manage this? What has to happen to warrant going on a second date? And if you're not excited before the first date, do you ever act on that info?
well, I don't always manage super well clearly, the problem is still there haha
If I really feel like there is no excitement whatsoever on my side, I do send a "thanks, but no" message (either when we're still just messaging, or after a first date). For me to ask for a second date, there has to be something about them that I'm curious about and where I feel like I'd like to meet them again to know more (and obvs general "I can see myself kissing this person" attraction).
I do find the middle-ground ones a bit difficult - where maybe you'd be a great match on paper and there are things you like about them, but the banter/overall vibe is a bit meh. There, I kind of leave it up to them a bit - I don't actively pursue a (second) date, but if they really insist, I'm willing to try - maybe they see something I don't. (Usually not - have definitely had the "bad kiss confirmation" you mentioned in your article lol)
Wow I will say your ratio of 3+ dates to 1 date only is way different than mine!
But then again, maybe that's related to the stat for "Number of people I dated where if I’m being really honest with myself I pretty much the entire time felt like - ehh I don’t think I’m into this but maybe I should give them a(nother) shot"
ok i'm sorry, not Claude coming in with the homerun of an insight. love your reflections on dating, and can relate so much!
Omg do not sleep on Claude! I love my therapist but Claude is not infrequently better.
not knockin' it!! i made chatgpt come up with my 2025 goals for me - love learning all the use cases!
LOVED THIS! Particularly the honesty around ‘people you weren’t sure about but thought you’d give another shot’ - story of my LIFE
I love your updates, authenticity and beautiful writing. Today's analysis was so insightful. Thank you!
So, great to see your numbers and thoughtful analysis alongside it!
I crunched all my 2024 numbers last week (I called the doc 'Sex and Dating Wrapped' as I included plenty of data points about the sex I'd been having, too!) and went on a similar number of dates.
I rounded the document with a summary that is bittersweet:
"I’ve had consistently very, very satisfying sex. Definitely had the most orgasms during partnered sex this year! However, the few times I’d had not good sex, I’ve really ruminated about it and it’s kinda ruined the following day for me [...].
But in terms of feeling confident about having the skills to attract and maintain a secure, healthy and emotionally fulfulling relationship with a partner to have kids with, I still feel no closer to this than when I first started dating at 18. Sigh."
as someone who also monitors her stats (obvs): I totally get the issue of going out with a lot of guys I'm actually not that into; I've been on dates where I'd compare the anticipation to a doctor's visit...
for myself I find it's a bit that pervasive story you hear on social media (and from your coupled-up friends) that "the spark isn't real" and "you should give people a chance, they might surprise you". I get that the latter is obvs true and that chasing the spark is an issue for some people, but as someone with a relatively healthy attachment style, I just haven't found that helpful at all. I know it if I really like someone/am attracted to them and there's no way around needing that for a relationship. and if there is truly no interest whatsoever from the beginning, there's no point - you know what you know
So how do you manage this? What has to happen to warrant going on a second date? And if you're not excited before the first date, do you ever act on that info?
well, I don't always manage super well clearly, the problem is still there haha
If I really feel like there is no excitement whatsoever on my side, I do send a "thanks, but no" message (either when we're still just messaging, or after a first date). For me to ask for a second date, there has to be something about them that I'm curious about and where I feel like I'd like to meet them again to know more (and obvs general "I can see myself kissing this person" attraction).
I do find the middle-ground ones a bit difficult - where maybe you'd be a great match on paper and there are things you like about them, but the banter/overall vibe is a bit meh. There, I kind of leave it up to them a bit - I don't actively pursue a (second) date, but if they really insist, I'm willing to try - maybe they see something I don't. (Usually not - have definitely had the "bad kiss confirmation" you mentioned in your article lol)
What’s the story behind meeting someone in the subway? That sounds fun
also curious to hear about this! love a random meet cute
He would like to be interviewed! So maybe a future newsletter.
Wow I will say your ratio of 3+ dates to 1 date only is way different than mine!
But then again, maybe that's related to the stat for "Number of people I dated where if I’m being really honest with myself I pretty much the entire time felt like - ehh I don’t think I’m into this but maybe I should give them a(nother) shot"
I also found the one date vs three dates surprising - hard to make sense of it except that I'm rly trying to give ppl a chance