Welcome to: Are You My Boyfriend?

Yes, the newsletter I’ve been talking about for the last 6 months.

Illustration by New Yorker hot shot/ boyfriend of my dreams, Nicholas Konrad.

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I’m starting this because the kind of stories I want to read about dating don’t seem to exist online. I go on a lot of dates and find that pretty frequently, after I’m done calling the entire circle of people in my life who I can acceptably blab to about how they went, I’m still not totally satiated. 

I want to read about someone else’s experience that makes me feel seen, helps me process how I’m feeling or at least reminds me that there is an absurdist humor in asking passing strangers, essentially, “Are you for me?”¹ 

But you know what happens when you search for personal dating stories online? You get advice. And, if you know me, you’ll be truly shocked to hear: I don’t like advice! I don’t think I need it! And I don’t think you need it either. 

My own observation is that when people are dating they inevitably experience bouts of self doubt, where they spin their wheels on what they should be doing differently. And then the moment those same people are in a relationship, they're hit with a wave of acute amnesia, become convinced the whole endeavor really isn’t so complicated, and dole out pearls of wisdom to single friends like: “Have you tried just tuning in to your own intuition?”

My philosophy is: We’re probably all doing things right enough. So one of the north stars of this newsletter is that it will not contain dating advice. Instead, you’ll get stories from me about my experiments in searching for the right partner, as well as my endeavors to make meaning and build community with the many misfits. Because, really, what do you do with all the people you connect with but don’t want as a boyfriend?

Sometimes, like in next week’s essay, the story will offer analysis on a recurring issue I’ve been grappling with for months, how I’ve resolved to deal with it, and why that led me to a Gowanus warehouse to shoot bows and arrows with a group of strangers on a Monday night. Other times, the writing will focus on my evolving relationships with the men it didn’t work out with. (Why do so many of them want to play tennis with me?, What happens when I set one up with a friend?). And soon, you’ll get the first iteration of a format I’m very excited about: One date told first from my perspective, and then, from my date's perspective. (Yes, I’ve taken to interviewing my dates.)

Feel free to share this with anyone that you think would like it² - and hey, sincere thanks for being a witness to my experiments. When I am lying awake at night, feeling achingly lonely, I think this will help. 

Rachel 

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1. The title of this newsletter is inspired by the famous children’s book “Are You My Mother?” That’s the vision I often have of myself. I’m ambling around like that confused, baby bird, asking the people I meet a version of the same question.

2. Or better yet, just sign them up! As I’ve joked with some of you who have been signed up against your will: This is an opt-out product, not an opt-in one!